Fear of Being Perceived
Being Afraid of How Others See Me and How It Is a Measure of Self-Protection
Amongst the many high achievers and anxious people-pleasers I work with, I find it really common for them to be uncomfortable with being perceived. I have heard that feeling compared to there being a large eye in the sky, always watching, with no place you can hide and not be seen.
I will ask: what are you afraid of happening if others perceive you? Usually, I get some sort of response around how they feel like others will judge them, where they feel vulnerable and unprotected, almost like everyone can tell all of the hardships they have been through.
That makes me ask: what does it say about you if others judge you harshly? Of course, many of us know how when others judge us, it has more to say about them than it says about ourselves, and I like to remind those I work with of that fact. Usually at this point, there is a bit of recognizing that what others think isn’t necessarily the truth, but the feeling still exists. That feeling is usually that they aren’t good enough, that there is something wrong with them, that they are unlovable, that others will leave them if they are seen in all of their authenticity.
Now why does it bother us when someone says something untrue? If someone calls a 6’5” man short, he isn’t really going to be offended (not that it is bad to be considered shorter than other people), because he knows it isn’t true. If a really thin person is called fat by a toddler, they aren’t bothered (not that they should be bothered by a weight difference in the first place), because they know that the notion is silly. Hurtful comments only hurt when we believe they are true. Maybe you know that what is being said isn’t the truth logically, but deep down, you still feel that way.
This is what it means when someone gets triggered. What is alerted when we are triggered are those deep dark feelings of “I am not enough”, “There is something wrong with me”, “I am not loveable”, “Everyone will leave me”. We often try to keep those beliefs stuffed down inside, and we can spend a lot of time and effort trying to prove it wrong. This can look like working so hard that we are irreplaceable at work, being overly amenable and bending over backwards to make others happy so you are seen as a good person, and avoiding tasks that make you feel incapable.
Now, if we logically know that something about ourselves isn’t true, why do we still feel that way? It is a form of self protection. At some point in our lives, a need wasn’t met or we were hurt. We either internalized that it occurred due to a trait within ourselves or because there was some truth to be learned about the world. We tried to make sense of what happened so that we can be prepared the next time it happens. We don’t like being caught off guard and hurt.
So how do we let the feeling go? In therapy, we gift ourselves some form of protection. It could be a hug from our adult self to our inner child, or it could be an amulet that symbolizes protection, like the ones pictured (you can find these ones over at The Henna Shoppe within the Arizona Mills Mall, on Baseline Road and Priest Drive).
It sounds simple when I put it that way, but it truly isn’t. There are a lot of barriers to be crossed, emotions to be encountered, and depth created in the therapy space in order to have those forms of protection feel meaningful. I encourage you to reach out if you want more information about what that process might look like for you. You deserve to feel safe in expressing your authentic self!
