Playing Without the Rules

How Therapy Helps People with ADHD and Autism Enjoy Life’s Game

For a lot of neurodivergent folks, going through life feels like playing a game that you don’t know the rules for, or that you just don’t have all of the pieces to play it well. Unlike The Game of Life though, life can get exceptionally difficult if you don’t play it well. It can lead you to not have friends, struggle in your relationships, not have consistent employment, which leads to difficulties with having your basic needs met, like having stable housing and access to healthcare.

Many people starting therapy begin when one or two aspects of their life have fallen apart in some way. Perhaps they have seen a pattern that leads them to think that they could have done something to prevent it, that they didn’t play the game well enough. So sometimes, we start therapy there. What happened and what could they have done differently?

This is where more skills-based therapies can be helpful. One can learn skills to listen more actively, to respond more intentionally, organize and schedule out tasks to ensure that they actually get done, do preventative care to prevent burnout, learn how to ask for help and apologize, and overall communicate more effectively. A lot of progress can made here, especially for those with autism or ADHD, because such skills may not come as naturally.

However, I find that many neurodivergent people know how to play the game just fine, but it exhausts them! It takes significant effort to consciously choose how to respond all day every day, and it often denies them a sense of comfort. First, we might spend some time recognizing all the ways that trying to blend in and meeting everyone else’s needs has impacted them. Then we start paying more attention to what it is that bothers them the most and what helps them feel better.

After we have spent some time doing this, we might spend more time in therapy helping them recognize which parts of the game are important for them, and strategizing how to play more efficiently, where they can feel more balanced. This might include prioritizing where they spend their efforts and figuring out how to do things in a way that fits their needs better.

Many people that are neurodivergent have been trained at some level to people-please. This is often because they have had their needs minimized and their comfort pushed aside in order to fit in and avoid punishment or rejection. So even the task of paying attention to what feels good can be alarming, and maybe even overwhelming, because they haven’t been allowed to do so for a long time, if ever. Then, being aware of all of the discomfort can feel anger-inducing and less comfortable than numbing out the pain. But this process is important.

There are two main reasons as to why it is important for neurodivergent folks to be more aware of their own comfort in the world. One is to reduce the shame, the inherent feeling that they are “bad at life” or that there is something wrong with them for struggling. By naming it and noticing what causes the discomfort, it gives a greater sense of control and appreciation for the efforts one has put into trying to play the game of life.

The other big reason for noticing our own preferences is to give ourselves back a sense of control over our own lives. While many autistic and ADHD people feel like life is like playing a game that they don’t know the rules for, that implies that there is one way to play. But life is more varied than that!

There are many ways to reach happiness and success, and by getting to know one’s self, it is easier to see the path towards those ideals. You will always lose the game of life if you are following someone else’s path, so in therapy, we help you figure out your own path, giving you the confidence to set forth on an adventure that you can actually enjoy!

(If you have never played the pictured Game of Life, or were curious about playing Priorities, you can find these at Barnes and Noble. I saw them at the location within the Chandler Fashion Center Mall, off of Chandler Boulevard and the 101 freeway)