The Blizzard of Abuse
Abusive relationships rarely start out that way. It they did, people would leave. They start often with a flurry of love sent, with small hits to one’s self-esteem, or grabs for control, that could be seen as normal the more you mull it over. Take what Mark Helprin says here: "Heavy blizzards start as a gentle and persistent snow." The measures that add up to abuse don’t appear dangerous at first. They just seem like requests to make your partner feel more comfortable. But then they keep coming. Apologies are given but so are fits of rage. A person experiencing this usually tries to figure out what happened to the person that gave so much wonderful love at the beginning, and they come to the conclusion that it must be something they are doing to cause this. Eventually, they might realize that their partner will get upset no matter what they do, but that it is better if they just follow along with what is requested of them. This is like a snowstorm, where a little bit of snow is manageable, but when it just continues and doesn’t let up, the wounds that small bits of abuse create just pile on like inches of snow on the ground, making it harder and harder to get out. You may not feel like there is anything you can do to get out of the storm, so you do what you can to endure it.
So how do you help someone in a blizzard? You help them see signs that it is not letting up sooner rather than later, and when they are in the midst of it, you give them help to get out. In snow, this might be by clearing out a driveway, giving them snow tires, giving them a place to crash. With people, you remind them that what you see happening isn’t okay, you show them how this relationship has changed them and that you are concerned, you give them a place to go if they do decide to leave, and you remind them that starting over is easier than sitting through an unending storm and that you will be there to help them rebuild. They may deny it at first, and decline your support, but don’t push them away. It is so hard to see someone you care about hurting, but eventually, they will need someone there for them. They need someone who won’t shame them for what they had to do to survive.
"Heavy blizzards start as a gentle and persistent snow."
~ Mark Helprin
