Fair is Often Proportional

When we think of being fair to our loved ones, we often imagine dividing up tasks so that each person does about half. But that doesn’t work for every relationship. Particularly those of us with chronic illnesses, or who are neurodivergent, doing exactly 50/50 in everything isn’t actually fair. Take what Ben Kingsley’s character says in the TV show The Thursday Murder Club: "Equal partners aren't always what we envision as being manifestly equal. Equality can come in many different shapes and sizes and combinations." What I want you to take away from this is that balance doesn’t always look evenly split. In some relationships, one person pays more bills, while the other does more chores. Sometimes one person takes on the task of making sure daily tasks are taken care of, while the other is responsible for big picture decisions and plans. Perhaps one partner does more physical duties, while the other takes on more emotional or intellectual duties. We all share the load of what needs to get done together. So, we tend to assign certain tasks to the person who can do them with greater ease, and then making sure the level of burden feels proportional to each’s level of capability. This is where it is important to know one’s own limits, be able to communicate and recognize another’s limitations, and to see our loved ones as team members, with whom you are working together to accomplish all that needs to get done to make your lives happy.

"Equal partners aren't always what we envision as being manifestly equal. Equality can come in many different shapes and sizes and combinations."

~ Ben Kingsley