Therapy for People-Pleasers
Saying “yes” doesn’t always mean you’re okay with it.
People-pleasing often looks like being helpful, agreeable, or dependable—most people like and appreciate someone who doesn’t rock the boat. But underneath that, people-pleasing often hides deep self-neglect. When you put everyone else first, you end up putting yourself last. That’s not your intention, but you end up doing it to avoid feeling like a bad person, because somewhere you learned that you were bad for merely having needs and taking up space in someone’s life.
People-pleasing can feel like constantly walking a tightrope between guilt, burnout, and invisibility. You struggle to express your needs, set boundaries, or even identify what you want, because you’re so used to anticipating what others need from you. Whether it started in childhood, in relationships, or simply as a way to avoid conflict, people-pleasing can become a way of life. One that slowly wears you down, even if others see you as kind, generous, or selfless.
Signs You Might Be Struggling with People-Pleasing
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no”
You agree to hang out with someone when you didn’t really want to
Your boss knows they can count on you to cover a shift or take on extra work
Apologizing often—even when you haven’t done anything wrong
You ask someone how they are doing and they say they are tired because they’ve been busy, so you apologize for bothering them
Your roommate sighs in annoyance about all of the chores they need to do, and so you rush to start cleaning, even though those weren’t yours to do in the first place
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
When your kids are upset or disappointed, you feel like you have to fix it, or else you are a bad parent
Even though they’ve said hurtful things to you without realizing it, you never want to tell your friends that because you know they’ll feel awful
Avoiding conflict at all costs
You’d rather just redo the work of your colleague than tell them that they messed up on a shared project
When your partner doesn’t do their share of household tasks, you just take on the extra work rather than reminding them
Struggling to make decisions without input or approval
“What do you want for dinner?” turns into arguments because you never know what you want
You tell your friends everything about your relationship to get their feedback about whether or not you should break up with your partner
Feeling resentful, exhausted, or invisible in your relationships
Since you anticipate all of your partner’s needs, you get frustrated when they need to be told what you need
Because you never open up to your friends about your problems, your friends assume you don’t have any
At work, you feel taken for granted because they always ask you to help out when they need it, and you haven’t gotten any recognition or extra pay from it
Fear that expressing needs or boundaries will push others away
You’re scared of being seen as “needy”
You don’t want them to feel bad, so you don’t tell them how you feel
You often justify to yourself your overworking thinking, “well, technically, I can help them”
The Toll of Always Putting Others First
When you’re stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing, you may show up for everyone else, but feel like no one really sees you. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, resentment, loneliness, and even physical symptoms of stress and burnout. And here’s the thing—this pattern didn’t come out of nowhere. People-pleasing often forms in environments where love, safety, or approval felt conditional.
This doesn’t mean something dramatic had to happen. This might have looked more like there wasn’t enough attention to go around growing up because money was tight and so they were always working, your family members had more pressing medical or emotional needs, or your parents really wanted to encourage you being everything they couldn’t be and overly prized your education and achievements. You held onto their hopes and dreams, or at least steered clear to make sure they didn’t feel even more stress. You may have learned to be the peacemaker, the helper, the one who “didn’t cause problems.” But now? That coping strategy is getting in the way of you having healthy, balanced relationships—because healthy relationships prioritize the comfort of both you AND the other person.
How I Help
I work with people-pleasers to gently untangle these patterns—without judgment or pressure to suddenly “stand up for yourself.” Instead, we’ll explore the roots of these habits, and give your inner child the care it needed when you were younger. We build up your sense of worthiness, and embrace a new confidence to start honoring your own needs.
Our work may include:
· Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) or Eye Movement Desensitzation Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) to process past memories where saying “no” felt unsafe or painful, or where there wasn’t room at home for your feelings
· Internal Family Systems (IFS) to connect with the parts of you that feel guilty, scared, or responsible for keeping the peace
· Relational work and boundary practice to help you notice your feelings in the moment and respond with more clarity and self-respect – I often encourage you to try that with me, naming what makes you more comfortable, and telling me when something doesn’t quite work for you
· Self-trust building so that you can begin making choices based on your values – where we really spend time noticing how great it felt to prioritize yourself, and solidifying the narrative that you are capable and worthy
Don’t worry. You will still be a kind person when you stop people-pleasing. You will just learn how to exist in relationships without losing yourself and allow a new level of vulnerability into those relationships to make them even stronger.
What It’s Like to Work Together
I bring a compassionate, nonjudgmental presence to our work, while also helping you explore the parts of yourself that feel stuck in these cycles. My goal is to create a space where you feel safe enough to take up space—which eventually leads to you doing that more confidently outside of our work together.
In therapy, you can:
• Start identifying your needs and limits without shame – I encourage us reflecting on that at the end of every therapy session, because it is easy to start with a person encouraging you to communicate your comfort
• Practice boundary-setting in a way that feels calm and confident, without resorting to aggression – in fact you may even see that clearly sharing your boundaries with others helps your relationships
• Rebuild trust with yourself and your instincts – taking the time to notice and say it out loud makes it feel more real
• Let go of the guilt that comes with choosing yourself – feel a sense of inner trust that you will never be abandoned, because you’ve always got your own back
You’re Allowed to Matter
You don’t have to keep overextending yourself just to be accepted or avoid conflict. It’s possible to show up for others and show up for yourself. Let’s make space for you to say what you really feel and know that it’s okay to do so.